So, I was listening to the new Jack Johnson CD today (which, by the way, is great), and I came across Track 4. It’s a short song – only two minutes in length, but it is two minutes of heartfelt love that reminded so much of the love between me and my daughter, Izzy – 4, that it brought tears to my eyes. You see, a little over 6 weeks ago, I had a miscarriage. I was 12 weeks along. I never thought I would be able to get pregnant again after little Izzy was born – she was a miracle in that it took us so long to get pregnant with her. I had doctors tell me that I would never be able to conceive. When I did, I was so happy – so much of the emptiness in me was filled with that joy, and I knew from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I loved that little girl (somehow I knew it was a girl). After 19 weeks of a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy, I was put on bed rest – I had an incompetent cervix. I was 80% effaced, and scared to death. Fortunately, I made it past the scary weeks – after long nights of researching infant survival rates and a couple more trips to the hospital. At 35 weeks, my doctor took me off of bed rest – I was put right back to bed the next day due to toxemia. I delivered my sweet angel 2 weeks later, the day after my own birthday. We don’t share the exact same birthday, but we do share so much more – I see my spirit and my love in her. I see her determination and energy that parallels my husbands.
The next pregnancy was a shock – we were told that we couldn’t have any more – that I suffered from PCOS and didn’t ovulate, so I felt faced with a miracle yet again. My whole outlook on life changed – I felt like this was the sign and dream that I had been waiting on. That dream was crushed last month. But throughout that process I learned that God does not cause my pain – I will never fully understand why it happened, but he was my strength. For the first two weeks, I felt as if my life was over – that everything I had ever known was gone. And then I looked in Izzy’s eyes. I realized even more what a miracle she was, and is. I did not know that I had a 50% chance of miscarriage because of my health issues – and she made it past that and many other roadblocks.
My other angel, as hard as it may seem to say, was a miracle, too. I got to love and carry that child for 12 short weeks, and when you look at it from the standpoint of eternity in heaven – looking back on the time I spent without him or her will seem like a snap of the finger, but through the gift that God gave us – his son, I can spend eternity with my angels.
I also know that God had a purpose for that angel. Just as God gave his son to save all of us, he gave this innocent child to me for a short time here on earth to save me as well. After that devastating day, I realized that I was on the verge of being diabetic – one of many side effects of PCOS. My hormone levels were out of control. All of these things put me at increased risk – VERY increased risk of heart disease, cancer, stroke, and diabetes. I will never be able to eat or live the way I used to, or like most normal humans – my body is different, and it always will be. But the miscarriage woke me up and has made me realize that to enjoy this life, and to live a long, prosperous life, I have to take care of me. In the deepest part of my heart, I realize that this child saved my life.
It has been 4 weeks since I went to the doctor, and I have already lost 22 pounds. I will have my blood tested next month to see if my cholesterol, hormones, and blood sugar levels are any closer to normal. I know they will be. I work daily on increasing my health – I want to be around for my precious angel Izzy and the most wonderful husband that ever was. And I know I will succeed – I have an angel watching over me.
