Everyone that knows me and Chad knows that we LOVE Jimmy Buffett – we truly are parrotheads, and not just at the concerts.  It seems that we have passed this on to Izzy without even trying.  She would rather listen to Jimmy Buffett than the Wiggles, or anything else for that matter, anyday.  She literally cries if I forget to put “volcano” in my car anytime we go anywhere.  I had my nephew, Thomas, a few weeks back and I heard Izzy tell Thomas “Listen – it’s Jimmy Buffett” as we were eating lunch out.  I thought the man in the booth next to us was going to die laughing.

At Target a couple of weeks ago, as I was looking for a book, she said “look, mommy, it’s Jimmy Buffett.”  Sure enough, she had spotted Jimmy Buffett’s newest book, Swine Not.  I am still not sure if she read the words, or recognized the picture of him on the cover, but we just had to get the book for daddy.  And he reads some of it every night (which is nice, since he has been so focused on serious books lately – Vietnam, cycling tragedies, etc.)  As I was flipping through the foreward, I came across this quote from one of Jimmy’s other characters in another book that he referred to – “”The best navigators are not always certain where they are, but they are always aware of their uncertainty.”  I don’t think any other quote I have ever read explains the crazy life that we Nikazy’s live.  We live for change, for adventure, for the unknown, and alot of our family and friends don’t know what to think about that.  We are far from ordinary and it seems that we have these crazy dreams that are so unlike everyone else’s.  We seem particularly weird to our friends who have the fancy cars and nice houses and desire even more.  We know we could have that, too, but we know that if we stay debt free for the rest of our lives as we are now, we can make a huge change in the lives of our children.  Our biggest goal is to travel again once the kids are out of the house.  We got so lucky to do and see the things we did in the 5 years we had before Izzy, and even some after.  We want to retire to Seabrook Island and live in a little cottage or villa.  Lord knows I don’t want to clean anything bigger.  We want an old VW convertible just to get around the beach in, and a red bike with a basket on it for Chad, a sea kayak for me.

OK, I admit, I want a swimming pool.  NOW.  And if things keep going the way they have been, I will have it next year.  And I’m fine driving my Ford Explorer Sport (which, by the way, has a Jimmy Buffett For President sticker on the back) with rust spots on it and a few hail damaged spots.  I’m actually a little sad to be giving it up in a few months to get something that will hold 3 car seats!  But as far as other wants – I don’t really have any – for my babies to get here healthy.  For Izzy to stay the same.  And for Chad to love me as much tomorrow as he does today.  And for us to never change – our love and our dreams.

So, I was listening to the new Jack Johnson CD today (which, by the way, is great), and I came across Track 4.  It’s a short song – only two minutes in length, but it is two minutes of heartfelt love that reminded so much of the love between me and my daughter, Izzy – 4, that it brought tears to my eyes.  You see, a little over 6 weeks ago, I had a miscarriage.  I was 12 weeks along.  I never thought I would be able to get pregnant again after little Izzy was born – she was a miracle in that it took us so long to get pregnant with her.  I had doctors tell me that I would never be able to conceive.  When I did, I was so happy – so much of the emptiness in me was filled with that joy, and I knew from the minute I found out I was pregnant that I loved that little girl (somehow I knew it was a girl).  After 19 weeks of a pretty uncomplicated pregnancy, I was put on bed rest – I had an incompetent cervix.  I was 80% effaced, and scared to death.  Fortunately, I made it past the scary weeks – after long nights of researching infant survival rates and a couple more trips to the hospital.  At 35 weeks, my doctor took me off of bed rest – I was put right back to bed the next day due to toxemia.   I delivered my sweet angel 2 weeks later, the day after my own birthday.  We don’t share the exact same birthday, but we do share so much more – I see my spirit and my love in her.  I see her determination and energy that parallels my husbands.

The next pregnancy was a shock – we were told that we couldn’t have any more – that I suffered from PCOS and didn’t ovulate, so I felt faced with a miracle yet again.  My whole outlook on life changed – I felt like this was the sign and dream that I had been waiting on.  That dream was crushed last month.  But throughout that process I learned that God does not cause my pain – I will never fully understand why it happened, but he was my strength.  For the first two weeks, I felt as if my life was over – that everything I had ever known was gone.  And then I looked in Izzy’s eyes. I realized even more what a miracle she was, and is.  I did not know that I had a 50% chance of miscarriage because of my health issues – and she made it past that and many other roadblocks.

My other angel, as hard as it may seem to say, was a miracle, too.  I got to love and carry that child for 12 short weeks, and when you look at it from the standpoint of eternity in heaven – looking back on the time I spent without him or her will seem like a snap of the finger, but through the gift that God gave us – his son, I can spend eternity with my angels.

I also know that God had a purpose for that angel.  Just as God gave his son to save all of us, he gave this innocent child to me for a short time here on earth to save me as well.  After that devastating day, I realized that I was on the verge of being diabetic – one of many side effects of PCOS.  My hormone levels were out of control.  All of these things put me at increased risk – VERY increased risk of heart disease, cancer, stroke, and diabetes.  I will never be able to eat or live the way I used to, or like most normal humans – my body is different, and it always will be.  But the miscarriage woke me up and has made me realize that to enjoy this life, and to live a long, prosperous life, I have to take care of me.  In the deepest part of my heart, I realize that this child saved my life.

It has been 4 weeks since I went to the doctor, and I have already lost 22 pounds.  I will have my blood tested next month to see if my cholesterol, hormones, and blood sugar levels are any closer to normal.  I know they will be.  I work daily on increasing my health – I want to be around for my precious angel Izzy and the most wonderful husband that ever was.  And I know I will succeed – I have an angel watching over me.

I’m not average – in any way, shape or form. I’m a little sensitive, a little strange, and can be a force to be reckoned with. I love serenity, peace, and others with a calm spirit.

I have two sides to me – the one that is really me – outgoing, personable, outspoken and funny. I’m a dreamer, a true romantic – a free spirit. This is me around my family, my close friends. The other me is introverted – not wanting any attention brought to me under any circumstance whatsoever. I don’t like ridicule, jokes, or judgements – unfair or not.

I love my husband, the true love of my life, and our daughter – the most precious and innocent (sometimes) human that ever lived.

I love Jimmy Buffett, Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and any music that reminds me of the ocean. My spirit is, and has always been like the ocean – free flowing, calm, serene, but able to turn in a second to destructive, and right back to calm yet again.

For the first thirty years of my life I wanted to live near the ocean, and had the chance to for a few short months. As I have grown, I have realized that all of the things in me that gave me the desire and the want to be so close to that place, to not be landlocked, will always be in me – in my soul, in this being that God created. In some ways, I fear that being in the middle of that dream would take that dream away; make me not appreciate it as much. But someday I will be there and will appreciate every moment of it.

I love dolphins, manatees, sharks, sea creatures – there is that same mystery and beauty that is in me – sometimes I feel as if I can associate better with them than I ever have been able to with other humans. That sounds a little crazy, huh? Told you I was a little crazy.

I have never published anything, but I am still a writer – it is in me, it always will be. I am an artist. Not the best in the world, but again, that is what is in this spirit that God gave me.

I have worked in fitness, health, sales, retail; spent 6 years in college to get two degrees and still don’t have any idea where I will go from here. What do I want to be when I grow up? I don’t want to grow up – I want to have the spirit of a child forever.